you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
