I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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