Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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