I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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