I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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