Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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