i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I still have a little drunk in my system
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
