why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
