I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
