Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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