I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
