dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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