I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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