1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
