Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
