grandma shit on top of the toilet
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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