i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
