If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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