I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize