I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Randomize
