end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize