So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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