i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
