Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize