Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
