Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Randomize
