my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
