ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
