Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
