there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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