You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
