thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize