Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
