Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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