How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Dicks are not precious.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
