Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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