i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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