I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
