I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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