dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Randomize
