do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
