Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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