R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize