I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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