Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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