last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
