i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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