So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
