I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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