Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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