I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Randomize
