highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
