if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
You can't just leave with hair like that
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
