youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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