I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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