Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
