You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
