ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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