I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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