Cold hands, warm shart.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize