I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
