Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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