you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
