Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
