mondays should just be called national damage control day
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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