Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
