I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
