So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
